BEEFY: THE MYTH OF THE SECOND LOCATION

Back to work after a long weekend. Another receptionist is out for the next two weeks so I am swomped with bullshit work. Got rejected from an industry party last week an earshot from someone that could have had me fired for even attempting to be there. Rejection is God's Protection, I always say. Went to the doctor's on Friday. Ran errands, cleaned my room but forgot to buy vaseline, yummicoco's secret weapon against dry skin.

My roommate: NaBAba ti-ZIA-chi NA

Colette: Naba CHI-zi NA ???

My roommate: no, its NA BA BA ... TI... ZIACHI... NA

...which means YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S PUSSY LOOKS LIKE RABBIT FUR in Macedonian. Neither of us are Macedonian but my roommate taught me this phrase while we were chatting Friday night at MOMO's PALACE, the second location...

THE MYTH OF THE SECOND LOCATION:
Years ago, OPRAH interviewed some expert that claimed that most rapes occur in the second location. For example, you meet a guy at a bar, he invites you to go somewhere else. That next stop is the location in which the crime would most likely occur.

That sounds crazy but I am neurotic. The myth of the second location is a long running joke between Shorty Rock and I. To me, the second location (barring rape) is the only reason for going out because I know that something dangerous or incredibly stupid is about to happen.

Friday night, checked out MORNING THEFT at LIT. My roommate and I met up with Lex, BGA and Cele. I felt like the poster child of chastity that night in my black strech pants, red sneakers and sheer top. My hair was pinned back and I wore the gold pendant that My Baddest Bitch gave me because she is my boyfriend. I felt so wholesome. The Bartender carded me. "Good genes", she said. She thought that I looked about 20 years old. As soon as I spotted Lex and the girls, I asked them where they were going to next....

Cele and BGA: Oh some birthday party on 3rd st. MAMA's....MOMO's- I don't know- PALACE- something like that...

My roommate and I had either the option of following Lex and the girls or following another "friend" to their second location. I did not know what to do...

My roommate: Your choice.

Colette: But you're my date and I don't want to disappoint you...

So I opted to follow Lex instead.

...AND HE LOOKED JUST LIKE SOMEONE I KNEW...

But he smelled of sweat and he couldn't really dance. But because he reminded me of "someone I knew" I did not want to walk away so soon. No hook-up occured. We got separated and I ended up dancing with another guy. At this point, my roommate was tonguing some dude by the DJ table...

The guy that I was dancing with: Yo, are you like FREE like that... like your girl over there?

Colette: Yeah, but with my boyfriend.

SATURDAY. WHAT IS A HANGER STEAK?

Went to BESO in Park Slope for dinner with Shorty Rock, Saturday evening. She wanted to order the hanger steak but she was not sure what it was exactly. Was is it a lean piece of meat? Did it have the same texture as a flank steak?

Waiter: Well, its um....um...I don't know... its beefy.

Colette: Oh so its a thick piece of meat then?

Waiter: Um, yeah, um... beefy.

From now on, the new word for a dumb boy and/or a dumb situation is beefy.

NICHELLE AND A LACK OF SECOND LOCATION ACTION

Saturday night, I met Lex, Flora and Jen at RAGA for NICHELLE'S CUTEST BIRTHDAY PARTY EVER. It was in the basement of the restaurant. Streamers and balloons. There was lots candy and cupcakes. I was sixteen all over again, except this time I was getting drunk off red wine.

Flora, Jen and I left RAGA and headed over to 203 CLUB for another birthday party. Jen, 24, a financial consulant is a femme fetale. She smoked 4 cigarettes in the span of 10 minutes...

Jen: I have had affairs with married men, engaged men. The way I see it- It is what it is. I am living with a guy now that I am not in love with. He knows that I am not in love with him but who cares... I'm practicing.

THINGS GET BEEFY IN THE THIRD LOCATION

So, it 2am at this point. Flora wanted to leave early because she had an early massage appointment the next day. Flora and Jen jumped into a cab and I called Lex.

Lex: We're going to LAVA... I don't know... LA VAGINA. Come meet us.

Its actually called LAVA GINA. Its fun. Nichelle, Lex and I laugh and wiggle around. We drink Lava ginas and dance with the random men.

STAR SIGHTING BY NICHELLE: Sam from FREAKS AND GEEKS

Lex: We adore you. (have you ever watched freeks and geeks, Lex?)

Sam: Thanks. Check out the DVD.

So its around 4am when this hella drunk guy named Jess pulls me from the bar to dance with him.

Jess: Let's go. Come on.

He's kind of cute. He kisses me. Not bad I am thinking. I kiss him back. We disengage. I return to the bar.

Lex: What are you doing? Go back over there.

Colette: Why?

Lex: Just go!

So I walk over to him and bring him over to the couch. Everyone in the bar is watching. The bar is the size of my bathroom.

Jess: Oh, so you want to make out?

I roll my eyes and lean in. He's a little fresh with the fingers so I keep moving his hand. Then he starts doing a sort of sideways come hither move along my bellybutton ring.

Colette: That's not it. (laughingly)

I move his hands away from me and I continue kissing him softly.

Jess: That's so sexy when you do that.

What was I doing? Not sure. Lex's recorded the encounter for her blog. I remember the flash of her digital camera. Beefy.

So there I was with this guy and I can feel him drifting away. I sit up. He's dead. I look over at Nichelle and Lex and I start laughing. I pull my skirt out from underneath his leg and I leave him there passed out on the couch.