Welfare will increase next year!

I hate this time of year. So much expectation and even more disappointments.

We had our office party. I made "no pudge fudge brownies". I ate a piece of asparagus with sliced almonds and felt like I was having an allergic reaction. I popped in a benedryl and called an allergist right away.

Anyway, I hope we get to leave early. This pill's getting me lifted.

Step 1: Cut a hole in the box

And the other friends of mine, take your time...

4th Annual 2006 Yummi Loves You Awards!!!

Awarding all those that Yummicoco loves in the entertainment world and beyond.

In a year that saw nothing especially interesting happen--just flirtatous hints to the world's future direction, I am reminded of David Bowie gorgeously singing "should be home by now" in the prophetic tune "Time". With all the atrocities that our world continues to endure, shouldn't we have learned from our mistakes? And, why after all this time are we begrudging a young woman's desire to go out without underware? I mean, sometimes you just have to let your shit breathe. I know I do!

BEST FILM
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

BEST ACTOR
Forest Whitaker - Idi Amin

BEST ACTRESS
Katie Holmes - Tom Kat Roman Wedding

BEST PUSSY IN A FILM
Will Smith - The Pursuit of Happyness

BEST DICK IN A FILM
Mark Wahlberg - The Departed

BEST SINGING INTO AN ASSHOLE IN A FILM
PJ DeBoy - Shortbus

BEST PORN ADAPTATION
The DaVinci Load

BEST TV SHOW
Big Love

BEST PUSSY ON A TV SHOW
Stephen - Real World Denver

BEST DICK ON A TV SHOW
Chris - Twenty Four Seven

BEST ASSHOLE ON A TV SHOW
Dr. Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy

BEST SONG I SAW A STRIPPER DANCE TO IN TIJUANA, MEXICO:
Bossy - Kelis

BEST VIDEO
Wolf Like Me - TV on the Radio

BEST SONG WHILE SHOPPING AT H&M FOR CLOTHES THAT YOU WILL DONATE TO THE HOMELESS TO NEXT YEAR
Maneater - Nelly Furtado

BEST DISGUSTING MOMENT IN SUBWAY STATION
Watching maggot slither on the back on a hedistic old man jew at 4th Street and 6th Avenue

BEST TRAIN
D train

BEST QUOTE OF 2006
I think there is a donkey show for kids happening this weekend - Yummicoco

You expose me. It's so obscene.

Last night, Sax stopped taking mucenex so we fucked and I went to bed.

This morning, a hip hop couple hailing from Japan stood next me. In between their Japanese tete a tete, bits of English slipped into the convo. When the gook male told his gookette to "just twrill", I giggled to myself and a small, chilly string on snot flew out of my right nostril to humble me. I wiped my nose and listened to Nelly Furtado singing "she's a maneater. you wish you never met her at all".

Its now Day 5 of "What's in My Eye?". I have no idea if its an eyelash or a piece of cotton but whatever it is--it ain't coming out.

I remember in high school, my friend Marsha had something in her eye for over a week and her shit blew up to the size of a lemon. Her big sister told me that she had a bug in her eye which was a lie but I believed her cuz I was incredibly gullible. Still to this day, I have no idea what was in her eye.

Yesterday after work, walked over to wack event. What we thought was going to be an intimate party with media friends turned out to be just a media party. Locked eyes with the lady that interviewed and then fought with me over a year ago. She stared at me bewilderingly in her dumb santa hat not sure where to place me. One of her mag minions, gave me a Devil Wears Prada cd.

It was all pretty retarded how I got it. Basically, the mag minions quizzed the crowd with questions about the Anne Hathaway bomb.

Minion: What was the name of the assistant who trained Anne Hathaway's character?

One of the girls with me: Emily!

Minion gave her a DVD

Then out of no where some other dude yelled "Emily!" then he got a DVD.

Then I yelled "Emily!" and the mag slut gave me a cd.

Yummicoco: Can I have the DVD instead?

The minion switched the gift for me. It was all very stupid.

Left quickly afterwards. Walked to Union Square with someone and got the lowdown on some other people. Made me feel better.

Bon Weekend!

I know you caught the one typo that I had.

I hate mucenex. I think its disgusting. Sax thinks its the miracle drug that can save his sinus problems and he has been blowing his nose ever since.

Imagine something that makes you smell like mucus and sickens your girlfriend and you will understand what I am talking about.

I know you don't know anything about it but trust me--the shit is gross.

Anyway, going to a party today co-sponsored by a company that I actually interviewed with before getting this job. I got into an argument with the interviewer (and head of the company) over something incredibly stupid, stormed out of the office, fighting back the angry tears as I left the building.

We shall see if she remembers me..

You are my favorita and your place in my heart, dear, makes me feel more real

Last night at a going away party for a co-worker, I took a stab at giving advice to another marketing soldier.

Yummicoco: Do you believe in God?

Marketing Soldier: Well, I [blah blah--She's cool but I tuned her out because I knew she was going to go into some long explanation about her lack of faith. I was just trying to be social. Sax's friend John Richie likes Richard Dawkins. I think that everyone should believe in something. Last episode of Dawson's Creek, Jen told her baby before she died to believe in God. I love Pacey. I should never have asked for a second margarita... blah blah blah---she continues] I guess I would say that I am agnostic.

Yummicoco: Then, ask the universe. Say what you want out load. Just ask. Nothing lame like 'oh I want a boyfriend'. Say, 'I want a hot on top, brown haired, artistic, polite, 6 foot 2 man'-- whatever the hell you want. Be as specific as possible.

Saw a drunk lesbian rocking a leather biker jacket drop trow on the corner of 2nd and 1st ave as I walked over to the F train. As the loud crash of urine splattered the concrete, I picked up my pace and told my cousin what I advised my co-worker to do. She once asked God for a tall Haitian man and got a tall Haitian man.

Cousin: Did you get what you asked for?

Yummicoco: Well, yeah, but I should have asked for good table manners and for him to not always have food on his face and clothes.

Cousin: Yeah, no one ever thinks that they have to be that detailed but they do!

Flashback! As I headed over to Decibel for warm sake, I made a terrible joke connecting "prison" with the bar "Sing Sing". Someone laughed.

Yummicoco: That was such an awful joke. I have no sense of humor. I appreciate the fact that you laughed. Thank you.

This one goes out to all the tragic mulattoes...

********LAST WEEK'S HOLIDAY PARTY************

Party Pal: my sister's girlfriend saw you the other day in the neighborhood.

Yummicoco: Really? What was I wearing?

*******Grandmother's Wake on Sunday********

In the Long Island viewing room, amid kleenex, tears and Jewish relatives, my mother and I sat in a lonely pew by ourselves...

My Mother: Does my hat look ok?

Then we laughed because we are narcissists.

*******Dave Pezza Saturday Night Holiday Party**********

Nichelle Newsletter (drunk off her ass. She was so much fun): I am so fascinated by the tragic mulatto. I mean my parents are both black but we're middle class. We're similar. I mean, I'm not like other black people. I was in the math club.

The Soft Pink Truth

Late for work as usual, sucked into an episode of Dawson's Creek that I had to watch until 10am.

Yummicoco: Damn, I love Pacey so much.

Sax: I know you love him more than me.

Yummicoco: No, but its up there.

Sax has been bumping gangsta beats and electrofuck music from his Pandora Box program. No clue what the program is exactly- some kind of radio website. He really likes this band called the Soft Pink Truth.

Sax: They first started out as [blah blah blah]. Mike Shrone made me a tape of it. They took weird sounds like liposuction suction noises and made them into songs.

I tuned him out after that and continued brushing my teeth.

Got into work to find a hardened mako shark egg on my desk from a japanese taxidermist/artist hosting an exhibit at Coney Island Library.

Co-worker: Yeah, I can recognize a shark egg anywhere.

I couldn't. I looked like a big brown tooth.

You Wanted It To Last

Two things today:

My grandmother died and I missed the season finale of Top Model.

Christmas always puts me in a funky mood. All this emphasis on love and togetherness never makes me feel especially loved. I perfer holidays like 4th of July or Memorial Day where its more important to enjoy living in America and eating barbeque. And plus those long weekends always end up being random and fun.

My grandmother was not a nice woman so no need to lament over a gentle life lost.

As I sit here, hunched over my boyfriend's laptop, suddenly realizing to sit up straight--cuz my grandmother had the stance of Quasimodo and God forbid if that happens to me...

Anyway, Real World Denver is on and I want to see why the gay guy called Tyree a nigger.

Seems like "nigger" is hotter than global warming this season.

**********REAL WORLD IS BULLSHIT**************

Ok, so The Real World has officially become a situation comedy. Within the 30 minute spot, all was resolved and all the roommates made up, made nice and went back to talking about what really matters:

Tyree: I'm gonna go get me some pussy.

Yummicoco: Amen, Brother!

Show began with Davis telling his manlover PJ that he loved him and wanted to marry him. (Whatever) Then Stephen--who should just STOP trying to use big words in a sentence because he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about--informed fellow Black man Tyree that Davis ditched him at some wack Denver bar when the bartender called him a nigger.

Anyway, Tyree confronted Davis--Davis cried like a bitch cuz a black man got in his face---and Stephen proved himself to be the biggest pussy of them all. Show ended with Davis the gay threatning to leave in what obviously seemed like somekind of sympathy ploy and gramatically-impaired Stephen and big black Tyree forgave the racist gay dude cuz that's what you do when you are on television.

************HOLIDAY PARTY***********

A party crasher boy who was more feminine than me, came on to me with the following:

Party Boy: Girl like you don't need hair.

Then he gave me a lap dance and I won 10 movie passes!

I danced to "Just Like Heaven" and asked a guy if he was secretly a stripper. He was more offended by my question then when someone pushed him into a bar stool causing him to fall on his ass.

someone I told: well, obviously you hit a nerve.

I'm Afraid I'm Not Quite Sure: Flossy has Chutzpah!

Before heading out to see The Stills on Friday, I took a walk around the neighborhood with Sax.

Our usual routine for nighttime strolls:
-walk up 10th street towards Prospect Park
-shoot the shit
-swipe something cool like a couch or a stereo from neighbors who no longer want it.

That was how we got Flossy.

There we were, flipping the script on this promenade, taking 11th street instead of 10th, when we saw wedged between a car and a busted lamp, a large oil painting of an ugly woman.

The portrait-- a tacky Jew-ess, possibly of Russian decent, with long dangling earrings, the most unfortunate lazy eye and perfectly straight teeth--did not have an artist signature at the bottom. No one wanted to take credit for this art class monstrosity.

We had to have her.

Yummicoco: She looks ominous. Like she has some 'wonga' in her

'Wonga', dear reader, is a Haitian term for an evil voodoo spell. Funny enough, 'wonga' also means cash money in British Cockney.

Sax: You are such an anti-semite.