vegetables soften, stirring occasionally...

Its my birthday.

Moments at Beauty Bar on Saturday:

-KKEGEL gave me two massive bars of Halvah
-Brazilian Muse made some amazing cupcakes with whipped cream
-Random Haitian acquaintances emerged.
-Alexis threw cake in my face but I threw it back then smeared frosting in her hair.
-spent some time with Alexis in the bathroom cleaning it all off.
-The Scumbags were there.

Sax: So your scumbag friends came after all.

They are not scumbags. I love them.

Went to Speakeasy in Alphabet City afterwards. Members only. Saw one of the hot Indian dudes from Poop's barbeque there. He had a samurai ponytail.

More later.

Ms Baker said 'What's Poppin"

Went to the Delancey yesterday around 6pm for my roommate's birthday. These rock stars (aspiring of course) served up free barbeque upstairs. Tips only. My burger was good. The grill caught on fire. This dude Shek hid behind my neighbor Stephen.

Around 8pm, the goths started to arrive. One man wrapped himself up in a rug and told all the girls to walk on him. I did. 3 times until Sax pulled me off.

Sax: You are really disturbing me right now.

I offered the masochist (or is it sado masochist?) a twix bar from the free bar spread. He kindly declined.

There was a fetish photographer at the bar presenting his work. There was one shot of just a vagina wrapped in fishnets sprinkling urine over a toliet.

Fetish guy: Yeah, that's Amber.

Colette: Whoa, how did you get IT to sprinkle like that.

Fetish guy: Well, when you got kids to feed, you'll do anything for the most perfect shot.

Colette: Oh, ok

Sax: So, Amber... is she like... what a HAND model is? you know?

WHAT I SHALL DO FOR GAY PRIDE WEEK:

-come into work on time.
-eat my green vegetables
-be nice to everyone I meet.

High Noon

Its Thursday and I am ready for a nap.

Fell asleep on the train this morning. Missed my stop entirely.

Watched a hipster kick the door in of a moving cab, while wearing flip flops. His little dog also watched helplessly.

Sent out invites to my party. June 25th at Beauty Bar. 14 street/3rd ave. around 11:30pm.

I think the whole Michael Jackson trial is a sick publicity stunt. Just wanted to throw that out there.

He's about to light your ass up

Called up Sax after work. He told me about some random dude that tried to pick a fight with him on the street today. The dude took off his shirt as he made his way to push my boyfriend. He quickly walked away.

As I was walking towards the F train on 6th ave, dying dying from the humidity, I told him that the heat makes me want to pick a fight with someone too.

My apartment is so fucking hot. I can't get over it. I am slowly dying in this sweat box.

Its too hot to stretch in my apartment.

Its too hot to sleep.

Its too hot to do anything. All I want to do is lay down.

I really like my job. As Queen of the interns, I am actually doing a lot of things that I probably would have never done at Miramax.

Did I tell you that that's where I worked?

Are you my plus one?

As I sit here sweating my breasts off, I am wondering what I should write about first... My new job and how I am Queen of the Interns, last night's wedding in which I got drunk off loads of champagne and danced to Merengue with Sax silently thinking "please stop dancing like a goofy white guy!!!"

Colette: why don't you try to dance like that white guy over there.

He ignored me and kept doing his thing.

Gave a homeless woman my coconut dunkin donut this evening a second before taking it out of the bag. Good weight loss strategy plus I am helping out the community. Drank my caramel iced latte as I walked south on 6th ave while talking to Pickle. Its only for her that I will stand out on street corners for an hour and a half in kitten heels.

Saw a drunk old black man get jacked of his Newports by some Puerto Rican dude on the F train Saturday night.

The old man was fucked up and barely intelligible.

Moments before the theft, a chunky blond girl wearing burkenstocks and sporting a massive weggie, stood in front of him on the train.

old man; auh, jusnsiothjgltlkg.. bab....yyyy. I give .....yous some of that nigga dick.....bebe buhbiubihihgohrnenryoiwn

Then a Jewish man who looked like Garry Shandling cousin's (blow out hair and all) was trying to show off to a woman half his age so he told the old dude to "shut up". Then the old man mumbled "suck my dick". After that the old man got robbed and everyone watched as it happened. I moved to another seat.

I love New York City. I love Caramel Lattes from Dunkin Donuts. Iced.

Speaking of yous.

So the wedding of Cristina and Jose took place last night at Seasons in Washington Township, New Jersey. Beautiful wedding. Open bar.

Before the ceremony, Sax and I took a walk outside. Still daylight, we reached the back area of Seasons. Saw a trashy looking lady with a ratty ponytail descend from a car. Dressed in a waiter's tuxedo, she took a last drag from her cigarette, threw it down like "fuck you, cigarette", and walked into Seasons through the employee entrance- gripping her Dunkin Donuts Extra Large Iced Coffee, of course.

Colette: that's Jersey style.

Sax: yeah.

I have a big mouth

So, while checking the blog this morning, I saw that Pickle responded to my last post. She thinks that I have a big mouth. Oh well. I think that these stories/anecdotes are so interesting/funny/sweet- they provoke thought- or at least they keep me thinking so I share in order to analyze further. I think that these stories deserve to be known. I would never risk a buddy's trust by sharing something that he/she specifically said "don't share". I love my friends. I respect their privacy.

Anyway, so I am going to a wedding this weekend. It's a girl that went to grade school with My Baddest Bitch (MBB)- that I have known as long as I have known MBB. Lets call this girl "Cutie". Cutie is marrying JJ, her first and only boyfriend. I remember fondly as JJ waxed poetic about Cutie's wobbily butt at my surprise birthday party a couple of years ago.

JJ: yeah it just moves when I move, you know?

A couple of years ago (3 years in the relationship) JJ met this 38 year old woman (with child) and ran off with her to Atlanta, unbeknownst to Cutie- who finally found out his whereabouts when she tracked down his older brother in Queens...

Bro: JJ is in love with older lady. He said she is the best sex that he ever had. He said that you sucked in bed.

He said more but that's the gist of it.

When the older woman finally kicked JJ out of her Atlanta home. He immediately ran back into the loving arms of Cutie. A year later.

Still to this day none of us understand why such a pretty, smart, talented girl would marry such a jerk. But then again, because we are her friends all we can do is go to her wedding and be happy for her.

As wedding gift, I gave her the pink leather COACH picture frame that Lex and I scored from the Page six party. Yeah.

Very quickly because I am at work.

I bet Pickle 5 condoms that she would sleep with her new boyfriend after she pretended to cook him a fancy dinner. She had it catered behind his back. She left a message on my cell at 1 am last night.

Pickle: I owe you 5 condoms and lets just leave it at that.

More interesting stories later.

A hooker from the back

Hi!

Things that I have learned since my last entry:

- that I can wear a bra with my new Club Monoco shirt.
- that cats like cat nip
- that I like mole poblano!

I so tired. About to hit the hay after my second day at the new job. I already had to interview someone (never done that before) then I received an e-mail from the interviewee thanking me. Whoa!

Cousin ccstar graduated law school today. Nice to be amongst family at the Blue Water Grill- especially amongst those that pronounce "halibut" as "Hallie- BUTT" which reminded me of "holla back". I ate snapper instead.

Sax told me about seeing a woman that looked like a hooker from the back but it turned out to be a man.

Oh my birthday is on June 27 which I will be celebrating on June 25. I want you there, Dear Reader. I love you.

I am exhausted! Good night.