coco the carrot likes sax players

So it was at Royal Oak on Valentine's Day that we played spin the bottle. It was about 10 of us strangers in a room (my roommate and neighbor's roommate included), a large table and an empty bottle of heniken. I was supposed to kiss my roommate but I kissed her on the cheek instead.

At the GATES on sat.

Colette: yeah, my roommate is the girl that you made out with all those times.

Sax guy: oh the one with the checkered jacket?

Colette: dress

Sax guy: yeah, I guess it looked like a dress.

We spent the rest of the afternoon together. We went into a children's book store on 18th st where I spotted the book Coco the Carrot. He walked me to my door in Park Slope. I gave him a half lip/half cheek good-bye.

OSCARS WERE SO BORING THIS YEAR.

Can you put a kick into the bass player's wedge?

Saw a lot of bands this long weeknd. Went to Motherfucker where I hung out with Avram and Jenny. Went on a date with a teacher Saturday night. He was kind of wack. Sam. Finished off the weekend with a delicious meal at El Sombrero on Ludlow st. Chicken burrito with a side of sour cream for your pleasure.

Alexis: All the balls I've had were taut.

Bloc Party at Motherfucker was great. I stood in front of the stage. Got pushed but I pushed back. Talked with a cute boy. Jordan. "You're so polite, " I told him. Almost lost my cellphone but Av saved me by clearing a path while I scanned the clubfloor frantically for my phone. Thanks. I saved Av from a hipster who looked like a couture migrant worker. He was probably on E because he loved stroking Av's fluffy j. fro.

Av: help meeeeeeee.

Saw the greatest most horrible band in all of New York City Friday night. Named Heather. They opened for Uppercrust at Northsix.

Imagine a world in which the beatles or nirvana or the strokes never existed... just Dio and Kiss. There was even choreography!!!

Colette: It's as if there was a manual and they treated it like a bible.

Moments later the guitarist Allister Bangs (?) made the sign of the cross while waxing poetic on his axe- his ass hanging out of his tight blue jeans- his ratty chest hairs seaping out of his matching demin vest- the sweat beading off his porno mustache. There was a trampoline!!! What a sight to be seen. They were not being ironic! They were the second coming rocking to save our souls.

lead singer: My voice is fucked up tonight from eatin too much pussy.

They even paid homage to Jersey nights.

Chorus: IT STARTS WITH JER.......... AND ENDS WITH ZEEEEEEEEEE.... JERSEY NIGHTS! JERSEY NIGHTS! JERSEY NIGHTS! JERSEY NIGHTS! JERSEY NIGHTS!

Beauty Spot

I think it was Rodney the flippino who lent me a copy of the Uppercrust. Years ago, on headbangers' ball (RIP Riki even though you are not dead yet. what a great show!), Scott Ian Anthrax raved about them, describing them as "freaks dressed up like French revolutionaries who rock like AC/DC". That sparked my interest in them and since Rodney was trying to sleep with me, he lent me his copy. Rod serenaded me with "Lover, you should have come over" by Jeff Buckley one night in Gasson Hall at BC. If only he was cool, I thought. He was so lame. He's a lawyer now of course and probably has a girlfriend.

Anyway, I thought that The Uppercrust broke up but alas they headlining NORTHSIX tomorrow night... I am going to see them with KKEGEL. Come!!! They are awesome.

Ok, so I have a "proper" date scheduled with an upstanding citizen on Saturday night. He is pretty dry, a teacher. He wants to go into politics in a few years. I was offended when he asked me if I knew who Chuck Schumer (NY senator) was. Hope he doesn't think that I am some ditz with no money. He travelled with Dave Matthews Band (barf) last summer in an effort to register young voters. He might be nice. We'll see.

check out Uppercrust.

http://www.theuppercrust.org

Let me know what you think.

I love my white jean skirt

but its so dirty. I have to wash my clothes but I am too lazy to bring a bag over to E-Z LAUNDRY.COM so that they can wash it for me.

I have a bright red umbrella that I bought for $40 and I have a purple umbrella that I keep in my desk at work, just in case. Its raining today.

Security Guard gave me a white teddy bear holding a big red heart for Valentine's Day. I haven't thrown it into the garbage, yet.

I am reading Gigi by Colette. Still.

favorite quote from the book: Explain yourself without gestures. The moment you gesticulate you look common.

words to live by.

Big Sticky Tits on a Future Housewife

The story begins with our naked heroine descending upon a secluded beach on some grey-lit afternoon. She wades in the water, her floppy tits flip flopping happily...then she sees a stranger walking along the shore. Lucky for them, they are alone and he is naked too.

Colette: He's kind of small.

Brazilian Muse: Yeah, the thing about porn is that it ruined penises for women. They expect them to be big.

Quickly, Plastic Eve meets Small but Everlasting Adam. They cordially shake hands as if they really care about being polite and then they begin to fuck in the sand. At this point, I am sitting at the bar at LAVA GINA with Matt the publicist and the Brazilian Muse wondering how one can become evil.

Brazilian Muse: She's so cute and innocent... how can someone be evil?... just think about any of the guys that you've gone out with and do what they do...

That was last night at Nichelle's Sex Toys Valentine's Day Party at Lava Gina. Lingerie, vibrators and cupcakes, oh my! Lingerie, vibrators and cupcakes, oh my! RKB offered lots of porn including BIG STICKY TITS which the owner of the bar promptly popped into the DVD player for our viewing pleasuer.

Colette: You know what I liked most about BIG STICKY TITS (to Jenny and Matt the P on our walk over to the F-train) is the fact that the lady (plastic eve) worked the man from the bottom to the top. So many women start with the head... I really appreciated that.

Jenny: That's like the tenth time you've said the name.

Colette: What? BIG STICKY TITS?

Saturday, played spin the bottle with 10 strangers and my roommate in a small room at the Royal Oak in Williamsburg. I was mighty proud of myself...

Friday, ate Cuban at HAVANA with cousin and her girlfriends and another cousin- by- marriage. Then we went to a near-by psychic who predicted that in the future I will become a housewife.

Psychic: You hate working and you will come to a point in your life when you will decide not to work.

So basically, I will pop out some babies, live off my husbands earnings, and go shopping. Hope he doesn't leave me for a younger woman or else I am fucked.

Now I have run to meet Lex for lunch. Kamut pasta with tomatoes and an apple (macintosh of course) for dessert. We bagged our lunches today. She asked me to get her a diet 7up on my way over to her job.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

YEah here comes the Rooster...Yeah!!!

..And you know he ain't gonna die....

Happy Chinese New Year! It is the Year of the Rooster- supposedly the worst year to get married... According to NY1news this morning, many Asians are clamoring to get hitched ASAP on account of the rooster stigma. My question is... what's the rush? Just wait until next year. If he loves you, he will wait until the year of the sheep or goat or chicken or rat to marry you...its not like you are knocked up or anything.

What I also learned today is that French Women Don't Get Fat. They savor food using tons of spices and blah blah blah they are not really bulimic. Its true. They do eat well. They drink a lot of wine and eat small pieces of good chocolate. But they also smoke heavily instead of snack on cupcakes like I do, and they like to tart it up on the streets instead of showering daily like I also like to do... with Dr. Bronner's lavender castille soap of course. My skin has never been softer. I just bought some TEA TREE OIL and PETITGRAIN OIL to add my wonderful soap by the way.

I'M GONNA ADVOCATE ME GETTING SOME AFFIRMATIVE ACTION
-KKEGEL

I have been feeling like an asshole lately. I am growing close to spinster and all I do is anwser phones. Last night, there I was in my white Benetton jacket , miss sixty jeans, and my red decrepit diesel sneaks, listening to Beck's Midnite Vultues, my neck wrapped up in a fabulously ratty black wool scarf , riding on the F-train and hating my fake ass hipster lifestyle. Where am I going with this? I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL but I don't want to continue giving my life away to save the slogan. That was a spot of Bowie I threw in there just for you, lucky bitches.

I love spicy tuna!

Don't feel like blogging even though I have so much to blog about.

I am wearing a bright yellow t-shirt that reads I [heart] spicy tuna. Its loud, obnoxious and annoying which might describe my behavior last night at Happy Endings Bar. I also did not have any money on me which is pretty typical yummicoco style. I am the youngest of five, Dear Reader, its going to take me awhile.

Shook hands/spoke with FRANZ BASSPLAYER from Franz Ferdinand. So nice. So gracious. Chubby, rosy cheeks and curly hair. He's short and stocky. He corrected my english when I told him that I thought that FRANZ LEADSINGER was being overly "flirty" during their show at Northsix in WillyB, Brooklyn, December 2003.

Franz: What?

Colette: Flir-dee (I am from Jersey)

Franz: Oh, Flurr-TEE

Colette: YEAH.

Ultragrrl asked that everyone wear white. I felt stupid. Lex liked my outfit though... she was sporting awesome cleavage as usual.

FRANZ BASSPLAYER made a second appearance in my life when I accidently dropped my sweater which he promptly pointed out to me so that I could pick it up.

Colette: Wow, Franz Ferdinand, thanks.

Yeah, I am just that dorky.

Jenny and I had Mc Donald's before boarding the F-train. Thanks for the 27cents, Jenny. I did not have enough for tax.