I have scoliosis

Not sure if I am spelling it correctly. Just means that my spine curves to the right and my right hip is higher than my left. I think that it has something to do with my hysteria.

Hysteria means acting like a uterus. My theology teacher, Mrs Giannelli, swore she would never use that word because of its negative connotation. But how else would I describe my sillyness?

Colette: No, I wouldn't do that. You know me.

Shorty Rock: (haha) I don't know. You do some crazy things

Funny enough, Lex said the same thing to me this afternoon after I told her that I e-mailed some guy to hang out in the park. Just trying to maintain public relations.

Lex: Please don't hook up with him (she thinks that he looks like a troll)

Colette: No way. I mean I thought about it... but no way. Do you think that I would do that?

Lex: I have no clue about you these days.

So there you have it. I am nuts. Hysterical. I even gave a guido my phone number on friday. He wore a cream color ribbed sweater which he neatly tucked into his chinos---the mark of a true guido. Sadly, I did not see a gold chain.

BEEFY: THE MYTH OF THE SECOND LOCATION

Back to work after a long weekend. Another receptionist is out for the next two weeks so I am swomped with bullshit work. Got rejected from an industry party last week an earshot from someone that could have had me fired for even attempting to be there. Rejection is God's Protection, I always say. Went to the doctor's on Friday. Ran errands, cleaned my room but forgot to buy vaseline, yummicoco's secret weapon against dry skin.

My roommate: NaBAba ti-ZIA-chi NA

Colette: Naba CHI-zi NA ???

My roommate: no, its NA BA BA ... TI... ZIACHI... NA

...which means YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S PUSSY LOOKS LIKE RABBIT FUR in Macedonian. Neither of us are Macedonian but my roommate taught me this phrase while we were chatting Friday night at MOMO's PALACE, the second location...

THE MYTH OF THE SECOND LOCATION:
Years ago, OPRAH interviewed some expert that claimed that most rapes occur in the second location. For example, you meet a guy at a bar, he invites you to go somewhere else. That next stop is the location in which the crime would most likely occur.

That sounds crazy but I am neurotic. The myth of the second location is a long running joke between Shorty Rock and I. To me, the second location (barring rape) is the only reason for going out because I know that something dangerous or incredibly stupid is about to happen.

Friday night, checked out MORNING THEFT at LIT. My roommate and I met up with Lex, BGA and Cele. I felt like the poster child of chastity that night in my black strech pants, red sneakers and sheer top. My hair was pinned back and I wore the gold pendant that My Baddest Bitch gave me because she is my boyfriend. I felt so wholesome. The Bartender carded me. "Good genes", she said. She thought that I looked about 20 years old. As soon as I spotted Lex and the girls, I asked them where they were going to next....

Cele and BGA: Oh some birthday party on 3rd st. MAMA's....MOMO's- I don't know- PALACE- something like that...

My roommate and I had either the option of following Lex and the girls or following another "friend" to their second location. I did not know what to do...

My roommate: Your choice.

Colette: But you're my date and I don't want to disappoint you...

So I opted to follow Lex instead.

...AND HE LOOKED JUST LIKE SOMEONE I KNEW...

But he smelled of sweat and he couldn't really dance. But because he reminded me of "someone I knew" I did not want to walk away so soon. No hook-up occured. We got separated and I ended up dancing with another guy. At this point, my roommate was tonguing some dude by the DJ table...

The guy that I was dancing with: Yo, are you like FREE like that... like your girl over there?

Colette: Yeah, but with my boyfriend.

SATURDAY. WHAT IS A HANGER STEAK?

Went to BESO in Park Slope for dinner with Shorty Rock, Saturday evening. She wanted to order the hanger steak but she was not sure what it was exactly. Was is it a lean piece of meat? Did it have the same texture as a flank steak?

Waiter: Well, its um....um...I don't know... its beefy.

Colette: Oh so its a thick piece of meat then?

Waiter: Um, yeah, um... beefy.

From now on, the new word for a dumb boy and/or a dumb situation is beefy.

NICHELLE AND A LACK OF SECOND LOCATION ACTION

Saturday night, I met Lex, Flora and Jen at RAGA for NICHELLE'S CUTEST BIRTHDAY PARTY EVER. It was in the basement of the restaurant. Streamers and balloons. There was lots candy and cupcakes. I was sixteen all over again, except this time I was getting drunk off red wine.

Flora, Jen and I left RAGA and headed over to 203 CLUB for another birthday party. Jen, 24, a financial consulant is a femme fetale. She smoked 4 cigarettes in the span of 10 minutes...

Jen: I have had affairs with married men, engaged men. The way I see it- It is what it is. I am living with a guy now that I am not in love with. He knows that I am not in love with him but who cares... I'm practicing.

THINGS GET BEEFY IN THE THIRD LOCATION

So, it 2am at this point. Flora wanted to leave early because she had an early massage appointment the next day. Flora and Jen jumped into a cab and I called Lex.

Lex: We're going to LAVA... I don't know... LA VAGINA. Come meet us.

Its actually called LAVA GINA. Its fun. Nichelle, Lex and I laugh and wiggle around. We drink Lava ginas and dance with the random men.

STAR SIGHTING BY NICHELLE: Sam from FREAKS AND GEEKS

Lex: We adore you. (have you ever watched freeks and geeks, Lex?)

Sam: Thanks. Check out the DVD.

So its around 4am when this hella drunk guy named Jess pulls me from the bar to dance with him.

Jess: Let's go. Come on.

He's kind of cute. He kisses me. Not bad I am thinking. I kiss him back. We disengage. I return to the bar.

Lex: What are you doing? Go back over there.

Colette: Why?

Lex: Just go!

So I walk over to him and bring him over to the couch. Everyone in the bar is watching. The bar is the size of my bathroom.

Jess: Oh, so you want to make out?

I roll my eyes and lean in. He's a little fresh with the fingers so I keep moving his hand. Then he starts doing a sort of sideways come hither move along my bellybutton ring.

Colette: That's not it. (laughingly)

I move his hands away from me and I continue kissing him softly.

Jess: That's so sexy when you do that.

What was I doing? Not sure. Lex's recorded the encounter for her blog. I remember the flash of her digital camera. Beefy.

So there I was with this guy and I can feel him drifting away. I sit up. He's dead. I look over at Nichelle and Lex and I start laughing. I pull my skirt out from underneath his leg and I leave him there passed out on the couch.

The Myth of the Smelly Cabdriver. I got so high I scratched and I bled.

I got so high last night with the Brazillian Muse, I thought I shat myself. I didn't. Turned out, the noxious smell was from the cab driver.

Alexis read last night at the WYSIWYG event. Story and Slideshow presentation about her crazy Puerto Rican family.

Then the B. Muse and I headed over to the Knitting Factory to check out the SONS OF SOUND but sadly we missed them and stayed to watch SNOWDEN instead. At first sight, I thought that I was in love with the lead singer but then after a 20 minute set of droaning and moaning, I lost interest.

I am still at little out of it.

More later.

Naughty Spanking at Suede

So RKB aka Lusty Lady aka coolest girl in fishnets and red mary janes hosted a party at Suede to celebrate the release of her book Naughty Spanking stories. I was so excited to go. I told everyone that I was going to a spanking party.

My roommate: Are you going to get spanked?

Colette: No, you have to buy a book in order to get spanked (I am so poor) and I only get my spanks for free.

At the party:
1) RKB brought some hella awesome cupcakes to the party. I only ate one but dreamed of having another.

2)Lex licked my chest and neck and then spanked my bottom with a leather paddle. Not hard enough I might add.

3) Lex broke it down on the dance floor with a guy that I swore had a vag. He looked like PJ Harvery with a beird and trench coat. He grinded on Lex and did a snake like move on the floor. We all watched in amazement. I love to watch Lex dance.

4) I met a Jamaican man that knew what "yummicoco" meant.

Jamaican: I was wondering if you had a yummicoco but I didn't want to say anything.

5) The Jamaician attempted to trick me into "just" sleeping over at his house. No strings attached and "it had nothing to do with [ my ] coco". I gave him my number instead and went home. He also gave me his card which I later threw into the train tracks. I don't call men. DON'T CALL MEN, LADIES!!!

Went to bed at 3:30. I bought a new kind of litter for my cats today. Called Feline Pine. Supposed to be a healthier for them.

Good night.

The World's a mess; It's in my kiss...or coco

I can't stop playing with my hair at my desk. Thank you VO5 hot oil! Anyway, I read a really cool article from the NY FREE PRESS yesterday about a sexy cad and it got me to thinking... If all vaginas are the same, what distinguishes us from the millions of other vaginas? And is it worth it to try to distinguish yourself (i.e perfecting blow jobs-which I REFUSE to do btw) if you are only one of many?

In the article, "The Cheating Art", Lucius Allred writes: The vagina is a wonderful thing. Some are better than others, but most are fairly spectacular. But none is so good that it made me forget there are more than three billion other vaginas out there. Women wield considerable power over men due to the fact that we crave their pussies. But the surest way to short-circuit this power is to remind women that their li'l fishy isn't the only one in the ocean.

Labour Day, I had sex with this dude at a mutual friends' house. Neither of us lived there. It happened on the couch while we (???) thought that everyone was asleep in their rooms. I kept my shirt on the whole time. I liked him but I knew that he was full of shit. We fucked and then I left him there in the living room dripping in his sweat. I wanted to forget about NoNOb. I felt powerful and used all at the same time.

When I got to the apt that morning, everyone(the people that lived there, me and the dude) was watching tv and I noticed that the dude had glitter on his face which I of course called to his attention. "Oh I wonder where that came from?" he muttered.

Colette's Brain:FROM THE OTHER GIRL THAT YOU HOOKED UP WITH AT THE MOTHERFUCKER PARTY, YOU ASSHOLE!!!

***MY ONLY TALK WITH MOM***

When I was about 12, I received a package of "feminine moisture" in the mail. No clue why. Anyway, I threw it in my closet and forgot about it.

A month later, I came home from school to find my brother and father painting my room the ugliest color beige. My closet was open.

Maybe a week passed at this point, I was watching some lame family programming like Blossom or something in the living room. My mother was quietly laying out on the couch and I was sitting in the arm chair. She got up as if she was about to go off to bed but then she stopped. She just stood there.

MOM: (no eye contact) Colette, I am only going to say this once...Don't ever put anything in your...va--gy--na. (the last word she mouthed softly)

My mouth dropped. What the fuck was she talking about? Blossom didn't just stick anything into her vagina. Did she?

MOM: (she puts her hands up) That is all. I don't want to say anything more. I am going to bed. Good night.

***HAPPY FRIDAY***

Its raining today. I am wearing my pink rubber boots.

yummicoco is boring

I wanna bitch about someone and her phonyness so badly but I am afraid that she might read this. She's in love with her gay best friend anyway. I am lame.

Top Model was awesome last night. Toccara gave up and Yaya was being overly self righteous. I think its between Ann and Eva.

I am working in a new department/different building at the same company. "You're with the (two) big boys now." my boss told me. I am not allowed to talk to either big boy, however, the younger one did say hello to me as he stepped off the elevator yesterday. Supposedly, the younger one is friendly when he wants to be. But until then, if I see him bang his head against the wall by the elevators to feign frustration, I can not laugh at him or talk to him. I have to wait until he speaks to me...

Mailroom guy: That's some bullshit. I talk to him all the time in the elevator. People don't know what fuck they talkin' about.

The other day, a man came in looking to speak with one of the boys. He left a headshot and a video cassette with the security guard downstairs. Attached to the video cassette was a letter, handwritten on a sheet of loose leaf paper, that not only expressed interest in the company but also apologized for the content on the cassette...

Security Guard: Its a gay porn tape.

Strangely, it didn't seem like the security guard was going to throw out the tape anytime soon.

I missed the Gilmore Girls last night

Saw MUSE last night with KKEGEL(KK). Great show. I loved the opening band ZUTONS too. At the show, KK introduced me to her young friend, Harry (20), that she met during the CMJ festival. So sweet and polite. He looked like he was 12. I wanted to jump him.

My dad turned 76 yesterday.

I am wearing a pink sweater today.

There are a few things that I must avoid mentioning about this weekend.

Three things that I realized this weekend:
1) You are better off being yourself
2) If you are not invisible, why start now?
3) Stay away from bad men

Let's Begin...

Friday was chill night at the apartment. I don't remember much. I went to sleep early.

Saturday was an early start. Bagel with cream cheese then I went over to the Dominicans to get my hair done. Vanessa, my college roommate, came into the city from Boston that afternoon "just to see me" she said...

Colette: Did you have a fight with your boyfriend?

Vanessa: No, I just really wanted to see you.

Good times. Laughed about her boyfriend, family and shaving. I mentioned the book, "He's just not that into you"

Vanessa: Yeah I heard on Oprah, women are so embarrassed they cover it up with something while they read it on the train.

We chatted in my yellow bedroom. I introduced her to my cats. My roommate and her best friend, our neighbor, were also home watching an Israeli comedy.

***So what really happened?***

Vanessa and I decided to walk over the to Barnes and Noble on 7th ave in Park Slope to check out..."He's just not that into" I know. I am obsessed. I refuse to buy the book so I will either read excepts online or I will skim through it at the bookstore. Its just hilarous. Men are not deep but for some reason women constantly give them the benefit of the doubt. I gave NoNOb the benefit of the doubt. He called me Sunday night but I did not pick up. He also friendster'ed me this morning.

So its on our walk that I notice a sign for a psychic. Its only $5.

Vanessa: No, I stay away from those things. I wouldn't even go to Spooky World with my little sister last week because that stuff freaks me out.

So I went in by myself.

She basically fed me the usual bit....you will be moving soon, you will be travelling, etc. Then she told me that I had two men in my life. One that I DON'T want but SHOULD and one that is a "bad man".

Colette: But I don't talk to HIM anymore (he's not that into me)

She warned me to stay away from him. She also saw TWO LETTERS ON MY HAND, one of which I recognized immediately. The psychic made some connections that were pretty right on, especially since I did not help her with any information. "Don't trust them" she told me. "They have a secret that would not be in your best interest to know about"

"Thanks but I don't even talk to any of those people. I have nothing to do with them." I told her... and with that I left.

Talking to Vanessa at a Thai place nearby did not help me figure out what the psychic was trying to tell me.

Colette: Vanessa, are you listening to me?

Vanessa: (eyes snap into place) Um, what?

*Vanessa went back to Boston Saturday night. I ate 20 cookies. I blame my cycle*

I ate a whole box of cookies Sunday morning while watching Dr. Strangelove. I love George C. Scott. When he met his first and third wife, Colleen Dewhurst, he crept up behind her in a back stairwell and whispered "allow me this ingress". That quote is the source of my frustrations with men and possibly the reason why that psychic warned me about the "bad man". Of course I could be misquoting Mr. Scott, so maybe I need to forget about the whole thing.

By Sunday afternoon, I was ready to work off those cookies so I decided to go for a walk. It was such a beautiful day. I sat under a tree and called my sister, Francoise, in North Carolina. She told me about an actress named Jeri Ryan that recently divorced her husband, a former senator and sex addict. She told me that the senator forced Ryan to go to sex clubs with him in Europe. I immediately wondered if that was the "bad man"'s secret that I was better off not knowing...

***Colette is still on her walk. She asks him,"So What's Heroin Like?"***

An initial on my hand: "Oh, its amazing every time you do it. You can go a whole week without doing it and it still feels like the first time."

Long story short, the psychic was right. I think that I shall stay far far away.

Friday and I got nothing.

On Who's the Boss this morning, Angela was having sex dreams about Tony and everyone in the house could hear her moaning and calling out his name in her sleep. Tony tried to ignore it. But when Angela realized that Tony knew about her sex dreams, she was so humilated, she decided to drown herself in virgin tequilla sunrises at some random dive bar(of course the bartender knew her slutty mother). Tony found her. They admitted to having feelings for each other but they decided to remain housekeeper/boss friends.

I have a zit forming underneath my right eye.

Good Weekend.

I have static cling today

Came home last night around 7pm. My roommate was sitting in the doorway of her bedroom, wearing her thick flannel bathrobe, talking about the election with her mom in Michigan. I plopped down on the red velvet couch in the living room, exhausted from the depressing day. Finally, she came out of her room. We exchanged hellos. All was quiet until I muttered...

Colette: Top Model, tonight.

roommate: Yes! There will be some happiness in our lives.

Top Model was awesome last night. Tyra made the right decision in eliminating Cassie. She really did not want to be there plus she is annoying. Ann kicked ass during the photo shoot but my 10 cent bet is on Toccara. I am a risk taker and I think that a fat girl deserves to win this year. Plus, I think that she is beautiful and decadent like a total grande dame bottecelli.

But then again, she's not that big. My roommate and I were saying that if Toccara got a much needed breast reduction, she would appear much smaller. It seems like all of her weight resides in her big boobs.

roommate: Yeah, she has back problem sized tits.

***** WHY I HAVE STATIC CLING TODAY*****

I am an explosion of fruity colors today. I am wearing a bright red cotton skirt with a yellow camisole and a fushia pink v-neck long sleeved shirt. I put on a pair of black nylon stockings to protect my legs. As I walked down 4th ave toward the F train, my below -the-knee skirt turned into a mini skirt with each swish of my hips. I kept having to pull it down.

*****WEEKDAY MORNING TV******
NY 1 for weather on the 1s
Who's the Boss on channel 9

***EVENING RE-RUNS BECAUSE I WATCH TOO MUCH TV***
King of Queens
Girlfriends
Sex and the City

So I am officially heartbroken...

our country is over-run by ignorant hillbillies who are homophobic and have no problem sending off their sons to war and being unemployed. I feel helpless.

Jokingly, I asked my cousin once if she thought that President Bush would send us back to Haiti or Africa for that matter if he was re-elected. We laughed. Imagine cargo ships in the New York Harbour ready to send the colored people back to where they come from. I am blowing this way out of proportion but its just a thought. But I am sure that the good people who voted for Bush in places like Kansas and Oklahoma would not mind it that much.

Eventually, New York will become a playground for the rich and paupers like me will end up having to leave this great city in order to find a more affordable life. Where will I go? I don't want to live in Delaware. What would I do in Africa? Which country would accept me for citizenship? Would I be able to work there? I answer phones for a living and I was an English major in college. Will there be air conditioning there? Can I use my cell phone? Would I be able to go to the spa for facials once a month like I like to do here at home? I like my life here.

These things most likely won't happen. I'll be over it by next week.

Anyway, I was walking down the street yesterday and I ran into the mailroom guy from my company. He called me over:

Mailroom: Yo, I feel bad...

Colette: why?

Mailroom: I was walking behind [you] and I thought to myself, who's that girl with the phat booty?

That was funny...and then practically the whole country voted for the shrub later on that night.

Yeah its Tuesday

I voted this morning in my hometown of Englewood, NJ. Felt great. I dragged my 75 year old dad into a booth and told him, "you're voting for Kerry." but I vote Republican he kept saying. "No, Dad. Vote for change." But Bush is a good man, he said. He's senile and he watches way too much Fox News Channel. He finally made the right decision.

Last night, I took the bus into Jersey with my cousin who also lives in my hometown. First stop was at her house so that I could borrow her dad's Sweet Michey (Haitian singer) CD called Aloufa (no clue what that means but I love the music). Its one of my all time favorite albums. I owned a dubbed tape of it which my cats viciously destroyed in effigy Sunday night while I was grinding on Spiderman at Motherfucker. I think that they were jealous.

WHAT ARE SOME OF ALL TIME FAVORITE ALBUMS?

Diamond Dogs by David Bowie
Dry and Rid of Me by PJ Harvey
The Early Years by Roxy Music (I can't decide which album I love best so I have to go with the best of. I love Brian Ferry. He's so chechen)
The Adventures of Slick Rick by Slick Rick

I bought the This Island by Le Tigre over the weekend.

Best song?
The title track. Rest of the album is sort of annoying.

Best line?
In the song, "Viz", Johanna sings about checking out some girl on the dance floor then realizing "hey, you're not a dyke." No duh.

When my sister Dominique came out to me, I was 14 and we were on our way to pick up movie tickets for Waiting to Exhale. Our other two sisters were waiting for us in Englewood. "Wow, I am totally blowing your mind right now" She's now married to an African man who is a total pussy but whatever.

Halloween

Not sure where to begin...went to two parties including motherfucker, wore two different costumes but used the same purple wig that I bought at Ricky's (cosmetic store) for twenty bucks. Saturday, I was 80s girl. Sunday, I was troubled heiress with a busted lip...on both days, people thought that I was lil kim.

I grinded on spiderman at motherfucker.
I chatted with a 25 year old trader dressed as Borat from Ali G.
I have embraced the book "He's not that into you"