On my hill I wait for wind...yeah, I like morning wood.

I felt like miserable fuck (MF) yesterday evening on my way home from work. I needed a friend... I called LEX. "uh my minutes are running out... can I call you when I get home?" Nice. I got on the train. Spoke to LEX again. No solace there. Thanks, bitch.

Walking down 4th ave in Brooklyn, I decided to call a friend from HS who would have been my boyfriend if she wasn't a 24 year old woman. "I miss you, baby.... she cooed. You're gonna kill me, can I call you back?" Call me back and with that I hung up on her.

So I was on my own as usual, left to figure it all out for myself. Is this adulthood?

I felt miserable because of a post I was working on entitled "early to bed" which details a random hook-up with a conquistador. Great story but not worth exposing. Which leads me to the idea of exposure... the idea of letting people into my life, making connections with people... its all so difficult for me. I am great with pleasant conversation. It was part of my upbringing as a bourgeois haitienne to be a polite, sweet hostess, even to people who don't deserve my kindness. I smile too much. Anyway, writing about my dealings with the conquistador made me feel like a silly girl who did not respect herself much this summer.

***LET TAKE IT UP A NOTCH***

After checking out MORNING THEFT one night, I was talking with some guy about the band outside the venue. It was all nice, pleasant, surface talk until finally...

some guy: Do you know MORNING WOOD? he smiles.

ME: yah, I KNOW MORNING WOOD. (wink wink. so clever, huh?)

some guy: SO... YOU... LIKE MORNING WOOD.

ME: YEAH, I LIKE MORNING WOOD. (what fun! so perve-y)

some guy: Oh, cuz I saw them here last week. they were pretty good.

SILENCE

WAS HE TALKING ABOUT A REAL BAND?

*** WE GONNA MAKE IT***

So friend called me back last night after 9. I was walking home from the PARK SLOPE FOOD COOP.

friend: yo, baby I' m sorry. so what's up?

ME: Oh I am so depressed. I give off girlfriend vibes to assholes that never even wanted in the first place. I need to meet guys that actually LIKE me. But I say dumb things. I am too nice. I don't know how to connect with people. (fuck you. I know)

She gives me her advice. Thanks. Then she starts talking about her troubles. How the boys talk smack about her...spreading rumors about her...that she sleeps around...that she puffs regularly...

ME: Do you think they know people? (I mean she does DO these things. I love you!)

friend: I don't know but its fucking pissing me off, yo.

ME: They are just trying to break you down. You can't help who you are. You are not like all the other girls so they invent things about you. Its like me. Guys see me. They think I am innocent. They want to conquer me....

Its at that moment that I see it on the corner of 13th and 5th ave- a block away from my apartment. Its was taped to a traffic sign.

Its a poster for MORNING WOOD, who is performing tonight along with LES SANS CULOTTOES at SOUTHPAW in PARK SLOPE.

ME: We gonna be alright. Fuck 'em. They don't know you.